The fact that I have such an amazing and core group of girl friends in my life right now actually really frightens me. I have never had close friends like this. And whenever I almost did, I apparently became too needy and everybody walked away. I don't know if I was actually needy but for whatever reason, I felt isolated and abandoned through most of my friendships. Nowadays I have kept myself at a distance so I don't get too close to people in order to preempt them from abandoning me. It has sucked and has been a terrible way for me to go through life. I have felt beyond lonely for nearly ten years.

But now, through group therapy I have become close to about 6 women. As of late, I have become very close to one in particular but I can already feel these "possibly needy" feelings arise. I'm sure it's just the natural way you know you're developing a close friendship but for me it feels dangerous. I even want to talk to her and let her know this is happening and tell her to please let me know if I'm texting too much or something. But I feel as if doing that in and of itself is needy and could push her away. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to subconsciously do something that will push everyone away. And I'm having so much fun with these women and I finally feel like I'm a part of something and I finally feel comfortable with having friends and I'm afraid it will be ripped out from under me with no warning because I'm such a putz.

Ugh. I hate this with a fiery passion.