I have this ridiculous insecurity about still being a virgin. And the more my virgin comrades (This sounds ridiculous but I can't think of a better way to say it, lulz) lose their virginity, the more I get worked up. It makes me sick to my stomach with jealousy, frankly. Still being a virgin at 25 makes me feel unlovable, ugly and worthless. I have such issues with men that have yet to be worked on so I know rationally that I'm not still a virgin because no one wants to be with me. I'm just so unconfident as a person and a female that I haven't been able to facilitate any kind of relationship with guys at all.

But still, I honestly could care less about being in a ~good relationship or losing my virginity to someone I loved or cared about. I just want to get it over with. Stop being obsessed with still being a virgin at my age. Ugh. I hate this.

I find that I'm relying more on self-injury again in recent weeks. And in thinking about it tonight because my friend JE and I were discussing it, I realized that I think I'm using such symptoms again because my life feels so out of control, so beyond my reach and unchangeable by me, but the only thing I can control is how I cause pain to my own body. That used to be the story for my eating disorder- controlling an out of control life- but I can't even control my ED anymore, which is a whole 'nother discussion.

I still don't want to be this person. But I feel like I have so many issues, so many problems, that injuring myself is a nice and tidy way of "fixing" things. It's a crock, of course. I'm very aware of that. But I feel like so much is flaring up right now and relying on negative coping skills is my MO and always has been. What the hell are positive coping skills?

I should blog/journal more because I feel like shit talking about this with other people. Again...that's a blog entry for another day. Fuck meeee.