I have this ridiculous insecurity about still being a virgin. And the more my virgin comrades (This sounds ridiculous but I can't think of a better way to say it, lulz) lose their virginity, the more I get worked up. It makes me sick to my stomach with jealousy, frankly. Still being a virgin at 25 makes me feel unlovable, ugly and worthless. I have such issues with men that have yet to be worked on so I know rationally that I'm not still a virgin because no one wants to be with me. I'm just so unconfident as a person and a female that I haven't been able to facilitate any kind of relationship with guys at all.

But still, I honestly could care less about being in a ~good relationship or losing my virginity to someone I loved or cared about. I just want to get it over with. Stop being obsessed with still being a virgin at my age. Ugh. I hate this.

I find that I'm relying more on self-injury again in recent weeks. And in thinking about it tonight because my friend JE and I were discussing it, I realized that I think I'm using such symptoms again because my life feels so out of control, so beyond my reach and unchangeable by me, but the only thing I can control is how I cause pain to my own body. That used to be the story for my eating disorder- controlling an out of control life- but I can't even control my ED anymore, which is a whole 'nother discussion.

I still don't want to be this person. But I feel like I have so many issues, so many problems, that injuring myself is a nice and tidy way of "fixing" things. It's a crock, of course. I'm very aware of that. But I feel like so much is flaring up right now and relying on negative coping skills is my MO and always has been. What the hell are positive coping skills?

I should blog/journal more because I feel like shit talking about this with other people. Again...that's a blog entry for another day. Fuck meeee.

The fact that I have such an amazing and core group of girl friends in my life right now actually really frightens me. I have never had close friends like this. And whenever I almost did, I apparently became too needy and everybody walked away. I don't know if I was actually needy but for whatever reason, I felt isolated and abandoned through most of my friendships. Nowadays I have kept myself at a distance so I don't get too close to people in order to preempt them from abandoning me. It has sucked and has been a terrible way for me to go through life. I have felt beyond lonely for nearly ten years.

But now, through group therapy I have become close to about 6 women. As of late, I have become very close to one in particular but I can already feel these "possibly needy" feelings arise. I'm sure it's just the natural way you know you're developing a close friendship but for me it feels dangerous. I even want to talk to her and let her know this is happening and tell her to please let me know if I'm texting too much or something. But I feel as if doing that in and of itself is needy and could push her away. I'm just so afraid that I'm going to subconsciously do something that will push everyone away. And I'm having so much fun with these women and I finally feel like I'm a part of something and I finally feel comfortable with having friends and I'm afraid it will be ripped out from under me with no warning because I'm such a putz.

Ugh. I hate this with a fiery passion.

Why is it that as human beings we understand the things we need to do but for one reason or another, we don't follow through? For example, I have needed to clean my desk for about a year. This is a simple task and would probably take about a half an hour. But for whatever reason, I have not cleaned my desk. I got a laptop in February of 2009 but my desktop computer from college was still taking up all of the room on my desk. I did not dismantle my desktop and put the laptop on the desk until sometimes in 2010. I spent the year sitting on my bed with my laptop. Again, stupid tasks that get uncompleted. Another example is that I went to Boston in February of this year to visit some friends. I stayed the weekend and packed a duffle bag. It took a couple of months to remove even one or two items from the bag. But thus far, we are in late July and that duffle is still sitting on the floor, not unpacked.

Here I'm just talking about menial things. I'm not even going to talk about how I know I need to apply for jobs and what not. That does go back to reasons I can discuss in therapy. It's the little things that we don't do. Do we get so distracted by social media these days? For example, I'm blogging about this issue right now when I could be cleaning my desk. I will be happy once my desk is clean. I like when things are clean. I just don't like the process of getting there. Is it laziness? What could it be?

Go find one small task that you have been putting off and do it. You'll be glad you did. I think I'm going to start cleaning this stupid desk.

What does it take to be comfortable with my body? How do you "get over" ten years of complete and total body dissatisfaction? I wouldn't even call it dissatisfaction. How about disdain, hatred, disgust? Anyhow. I just really can't stand my body. And I always try to think about what I've learned in therapy. In that moment where I hate myself, what is really going on? What is driving this feeling? But why can't it be that I really hate my body?

I have so much work that needs to be done in order to get physically fit. You don't gain thirty pounds and it's all hunky dory after that. This body is on loan to me. Technically speaking. But I actually meant that this weight, this body size has got to be temporary. Will it all even out? It's been a year and a half into recovery. Shouldn't my body have adjusted by now? My metabolism adjusted back to normal? I have so many questions.

This is all up to me. I'm the one who needs to do the work. I can hate my body all I want, but at the end of the day- I'm the one changing my eating habits. I'm the one who needs to get her ass to the track.

/typical girl bullshit

-L

On Monday morning, I toss and turn in the early hours as I often do but this time, I find that my stomach hurts. It's not typical nausea for me (I'm nauseous a lot of the time) so I'm super weary of going into work. I have to go, of course, but I ask my manager who is supposed to come in at 3 if she'd be able to come in any earlier. She was still in DC, though, about 4 or so hours south. By then, the stomach achiness turned into body aches and a ton of sinus pressure. Whaddya know! I'm slammed with a cold. In July. I manage to get through the day until my boss comes in at 2:30 and despite the fact that I was scheduled to stay until 5, I bid adieu and booked it out of there. I've been pretty much house-ridden ever since. Luckily I had Tuesday and today scheduled off. I'm not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow and working 27 hours in 3 days. It should be interesting.

I hate colds. They are the worst. Ear pain, throat pain, general inability to close my mouth because I can't breathe out of my nose. Just plain ick. Make it stop.

For many years I had only one close friend with whom I would socialize. It was mainly out of proximity and convenience and settling, if you will. We had a history, as we went to high school together, but we were not friends much then. Upon becoming close right as we started college, our friendship promptly fell apart when she told me I was stupid for developing bulimia and that I deserved everything coming to me. It should be noted that as our friendship "grew" years later, she would recount this strain in our relationship as a good thing- that she was making my life better. Anyhow, we never had a positive relationship. I felt used and guilted into things much of the time. Finally I "broke it off" in April and I cannot tell you how much better my life is.

I'm learning that I don't "have" to do anything. If I want to stay at home on a Friday or Saturday night or spend it with my family, this is not a bad thing. J was under the impression that since we are in our 20's, we must always be partying. If I wanted to go to sleep by Midnight, that was lame. I'm so much happier being comfortable with my quiet time. I socialize with a new group of friends whom I adore with all my heart. I will also spend a Saturday night reading on the deck and that's okay.

I'm also okay with my Internet life. Sure, 95% of my close friends are those I've met through the Internet. This does not make me lame, unsociable, or unable to make friends in "real life". I firmly believe this is a consequence of living in 2011. Get with the times.

Post for next time: JY's discussion at group of imagining yourself in a better place. If you can't imagine it, you'll never get it.